


Boxed In, Boxed In

by Kkaepsongiya



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Not K-Pop Idols, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FUCK, First Dates, First Kiss, Getting Together, Hurt, Hyunwoo is a good person, I promise, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Nightmares, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but it gets good, i think, omg how many more rape tags can i put that describe this fic, the rape tags have nothing to do with Hyunwoo, this is so sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-20
Updated: 2017-11-20
Packaged: 2019-02-04 21:08:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12779541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kkaepsongiya/pseuds/Kkaepsongiya
Summary: It had never really occurred to Hoseok that the word “no” meant something.





	Boxed In, Boxed In

**Author's Note:**

> This is.........a lot lmaooo I'm actually surprised that I wrote this but I just had a sudden bout of inspiration and I rolled with it. I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that MX is my new ult boy group so of course I have to write fics about themmm lol idk what else to say so pls just enjoy ad lmk if I forgot any tags  
> Title from Seventeen's "Trauma"

It had never really occurred to Hoseok that the word “no” meant something. It’s a small word, two letters, and it has no meaning, no impact. It doesn’t sway people. Nobody is moved by the word “no” and nobody knows that better than he does. 

He finds that out for the first time when he’s in 9th grade and he starts dating a senior. Hoseok is about as inexperienced as they come and he’s shy and he’s nervous and he’s insecure but Minjun is all smiles and all gentle when he lays Hoseok down on his bed. He runs his hands along Hoseok’s bare chest, rubbing at his nipples before dragging down down down and Hoseok’s pants are off. He’s nervous,  _ so nervous _ , and he thinks that he’s not ready yet, he’s just not ready and he tells Minjun no, tells him that he wants to wait but Minjun is persuasive with his nice smile and his gentle hands and soon he’s buried inside of Hoseok and Hoseok’s back is arched off the bed.

He and Minjun dated for a while but it got tense after the older went off to university, the distance between them causing strain and tension. Hoseok doesn’t realize just how bad the tension had gotten until he showed up at Minjun’s dorm for a surprise visit and finds him with some other guy. The guy leaves and Minjun and Hoseok fight and scream and Hoseok cries. Minjun tries to kiss Hoseok, tries to hold him but he’s pushed away, the younger boy trembling through his sobs. Minjun doesn’t take that though. He gets mad and he pushes back, pressing Hoseok rough against the wall, pinning the smaller boy down with his entire body weight. 

He bites at Hoseok’s neck, leaving dark marks  and cuts in his wake, and he forces himself on him. He blames Hoseok for making him cheat. “If only you tried harder.” “If you had just put out a little more then I wouldn’t have had to…” Hoseok screams and cries, his voice breaking more and more with every “no” that leaves his lips, but nobody ever comes to help him and Minjun never stops.

It’s only over once Minjun has finished, his cum leaking out of Hoseok as his clothes are forcibly tugged onto his body and he’s kicked out of Minjun’s apartment.

Hoseok supposes that he never really accepted the fact that he had been...taken advantage of, that he had been  _ raped _ by the one person he had trusted to never hurt him. He thinks back to the aftermath, to how drastically his life had been shifted. He was never the same after that. He lashed out with his body, the only thing anyone ever wanted from him. He guesses that Minjun had never  _ really _ liked him or loved him, no, he just wanted a nice fuck. That’s all Hoseok was and that’s all he knew how to be and so that’s what he became. He became know as the school slut, the one that would sleep with anyone, any time, anywhere. The whore that loved to be used.

It wasn’t like he wanted to sleep with everyone but it was the only way he would feel like he was worth anything. Nobody had ever noticed him until he started fucking around and that was all anyone knew him for. He didn’t like to be used but that’s all that ever happened.

He never said “no” though. Didn’t even try. 

Looking back at who he used to be, Hoseok doesn’t think he ever changed.

He can’t count all the people he slept with in high school, it’s impossible to keep track. A shorter list would be those that he actually cared about sleeping with. A boy here that he thought he could maybe have a relationship with, a boy there that held Hoseok’s hand in the hallway—none of it went anywhere because, in the end, they only had one goal in mind.

He thinks of the boy in his sophomore year history class, the one with a pretty face. He had been nice up until he had Hoseok cornered in the locker room after school with his friends. They had taken turns fucking Hoseok, high-fiving each other as they finished and walked away leaving Hoseok dirty and naked on the ground. “No” hadn’t worked. 

It never did.

By the time he had made it to University, he was sure of only two things: his body was his worth, and “no” didn’t matter. He had had these things ingrained into his head over the years and he had no evidence to support otherwise. He had never known anything else.

That’s why, perhaps, he was so put off by his relationship with Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo was this bulking man with a soft face, a soft voice, and a sweet smile who sat next to Hoseok in his math lecture. Their relationship had started out as purely professional—Hyunwoo helping a struggling Hoseok by becoming his unofficial math tutor—but somewhere along the line their relationship had changed. Study sessions had turned into movie nights before, finally, Hyunwoo had asked Hoseok on an actual movie date, buying the younger man candy and sharing his popcorn. It was so nice—Hoseok hadn’t been on an actual date since he had been with Minjun—but Hoseok couldn’t stop the voice in his head, the one telling him to start preparing, mentally, physically, for sex. For Hyunwoo to take him back to his dorm, for Hyunwoo to lay him out on his bed, and take him.

As the movie ends, the voice echoes louder and louder, making Hoseok’s ears ring as they leave the theater. They walk in a comfortable silence, standing so close that their hands keep brushing until Hyunwoo takes Hoseok’s hand in his, lacing their fingers together. His hand is big and warm, engulfing Hoseok’s own, the heat travelling up Hoseok’s arm to his chest and spreading. It feels so...Hoseok doesn’t know the word for it but he likes it, holding someone else’s hand, having someone hold his hand. For a moment, he forgets about the future and focuses on this, on their hands intertwined, swinging slowly between them as they walk back towards campus. After a few minutes, Hoseok can start see the lights of the campus and his heart rate picks up again. It’s pounding in his chest so hard it starts to hurt and his fingers flex slightly against Hyunwoo’s. The comfortable silence is now suffocating.

Hoseok is falling into himself, receding into his own mind, and he doesn’t registers that they’ve stopped walking until Hyunwoo calls his name softly. When he looks up, he realizes in slight shock that they’re at his dorm, not Hyunwoo’s. The voice in his head shouts that of course they are, why would Hyunwoo want your filth in his own bed? Hoseok swallows dryly, licking his lips nervously. 

“I’m really glad you decided to come out with me,” Hoseok’s shocked that Hyunwoo spoke first but he’s glad he did because Hoseok doesn’t think he’d know what to say. “I had a really good time with you and, hopefully, you had a good time too…..so we should do this again. Soon.” Hoseok is frozen because Hyunwoo isn’t asking to come in, he’s not trying to push up against Hoseok, no. He’s asking for another date. A  _ date _ . Hyunwoo is smiling shyly at him and Hoseok’s own mouth forms a smile on its own and he finds himself nodding, a light “I’d like that” leaving his mouth without his permission. His heart beats hard again when Hyunwoo’s smile widens and the older leans in, a hand coming up to cradle Hoseok’s cheek. He moves slowly, and Hoseok closes his eyes as their lips press together. It’s soft and sweet, no tongue, no teeth, just Hoseok and Hyunwoo together for a moment. When Hyunwoo pulls away, Hoseok chases his lips a bit before he can stop himself, his face warming up as he blushes. Hyunwoo moves the hand on Hoseok’s cheek to comb lightly through the younger’s hair before falling away, the two saying goodbye for the night.

And that was that.

It’s going well but Hoseok has spent a good portion of their two months together waiting for the other shoe to drop. Hyunwoo reminds him so much of Minjun. Minjun had been so nice, so sweet, so gentlemanly when they first got together, before everything had gone to shit. Hoseok wonders how long until this relationship starts to fall apart.

In the two months that they’ve been dating, they haven’t had sex. On one hand, Hoseok is glad that Hyunwoo isn’t forcing himself on him but on the other hand...how long will that last? It’s not like Hoseok can’t tell that Hyunwoo is turned on by him—he’s seen Hyunwoo get hard after particularly intense makeout sessions—but the older never makes a move, always holding himself back, excusing himself to the bathroom to take care of his problem or just pointedly ignoring it. Hoseok has been worrying himself sick, waiting and waiting and waiting for Hyunwoo to get sick of waiting, to get sick of having to take care of his own erections. He’s waiting for the day that Hyunwoo finally says fuck it and takes what Hoseok knows he wants from him. Minjun had been the same way, all lingering touches and lustful looks until he finally pushed for sex, stealing Hoseok’s virginity with his smooth words. 

Hoseok thinks about what happened when he tried to deny Minjun, about what happened when he tried to deny that boy in his history class and his friends, about what always happens. He feels bad but he can’t help but be afraid of Hyunwoo. The boy is bigger than him, stronger, and if he wanted to overpower Hoseok, he could. Easily.

Sometimes he dreams about it. About Hyunwoo pulling his clothes off and, when Hoseok tries to push him off, Hyunwoo pinning him down and  _ using him _ . Pushing into him roughly, his hips slamming against Hoseok’s, his grip on Hoseok’s wrists so hard that he can feel them bruising. On the nights where he dreams of this, he wakes up, his mouth dry, his eyes wet, and he never falls back asleep.

The day of their three-month anniversary is the day where everything falls apart.

The feeling starts to settle deep in Hoseok’s stomach the minute he steps into Hyunwoo’s dorm. Hyunwoo kisses him as he walks in and let’s Hoseok take off his shoes, telling him that his roommate will be gone for the night. They settle on Hyunwoo’s bed, a romcom playing on the small television while they eat chinese takeout. They feed each other and Hoseok makes them take an endless amount of selfies before they finally settle to watch the movie. It’s all going well, the sinking feeling in Hoseok’s stomach going away the minute they had started eating, and Hoseok is  _ happy _ . Up until the main characters in the movie start having sex.

Hyunwoo shifts the arm that he has wrapped around Hoseok’s shoulders so that he can rub his hand up and down Hoseok’s arm. Hoseok thinks nothing of it, relaxing into the touch even though the movie makes him feel embarrassed. They keep watching, the characters in the movie are still going at it, the male lead is holding his lover, embracing her as he fucks into her slowly. Hoseok gulps.

Hyunwoo leans down to kiss at Hoseok’s neck.

Hoseok’s breath hitches and Hyunwoo takes it as a green light, nudging Hoseok’s head so that he has better access to his pale neck, sucking at the skin softly, one hand still stroking Hoseok’s arm, the other moving to rest high on Hoseok’s thigh. Hoseok can feel himself slowly shutting down.

A coping mechanism he’s acquired over the years: black out your conscious and just let it happen.

He lets Hyunwoo move him, the older boy hovering over Hoseok, pulling both of their clothes off. Hoseok can feel himself moving, helping Hyunwoo pull his clothes off, moaning as Hyunwoo sucks at his nipples and caresses his waist, lifting his hips so Hyunwoo can pull his pants and underwear off. He feels himself moving but his mind is blank. It’s like an out-of-body experience, like he’s a guest in his own body, letting someone else take control. Hyunwoo is prepared, pulling lube and a condom out from a drawer under his bed, spreading the lube on his fingers and working Hoseok open. He can’t say that he doesn’t like it because he does. He’s hard, he’s moaning, he’s pressing back against Hyunwoo’s fingers. His body is reacting positively to the stimulation but his mind is frying. He thinks that if this was his first time, he’d feel amazing, he’d be glowing, but as Hyunwoo fingers him open, he thinks of Minjun opening him up the first time.

He thinks of a 13 year-old version of himself saying “stop” but Minjun pushing him on, telling him not to be scared, not to be nervous, that he’ll treat him well. He remembers his last time with Minjun, the boy not bothering with lube or any kind of preparation, just pushing himself into Hoseok and thrusting, not caring about how many times Hoseok cried for help, for him to stop, for it all to stop. He thinks of all the boys between then and now, all the ones that fucked him, the ones who were gentle, the ones that were rough. He imagines what his life would’ve been like if he had just said no, if no were a strong word to him, one that made bad things stop. He hears Hyunwoo opening the condom above him and he can’t stop himself. Suddenly everything comes rushing out and he’s yelling and crying.

Over and over. No, no, no, no, no.

He doesn’t know why it’s all coming out now. Maybe he cares about Hyunwoo that much (what a scary thought). Maybe he cares so much that the thought of Hyunwoo hurting him on purpose—taking  _ advantage _ of him—is too much to deal with, like his shoulders can’t hold anymore weight and now he’s crashing to the ground, watching everything fall apart around him. 

He’s sobbing so hard that his body shakes and his throat hurts and Hyunwoo is frantic above him, calling his name and stroking his hair and rubbing his arm, anything to bring Hoseok back to himself. Hoseok feels like he was ripped out of cathartic daze and now everything is reality and it’s all happening and it’s all so much to deal with. He’s crying over Hyunwoo but he’s also crying over every person he’s ever been in bed with, over everyone who’s ever touched him, over everyone who’s ever hurt him and the tears keep coming. He curls into himself, bending until he’s in the smallest ball he can make, wrapping his arms around himself and shielding Hyunwoo out. Hyunwoo himself is dazed, still panicked, but there’s nothing he can do but rub Hoseok’s back and wait for the boy to calm down enough to talk. 

It’s not until the movie credits are rolling in the background that Hoseok is coherent enough to speak. Tears are still falling down his face but he’s no longer sobbing. He stays curled up in a ball when he starts speaking, holding his body so close that nobody else will have the chance to. 

“I’m sorry,” is all he says because he’s not sure what else he  _ should _ say. Hyunwoo’s voice is strained when he replies, the sound of his words cracking sends another wave of tears out of Hoseok’s eyes. 

“Hoseok…” he trails off like he’s thinking of the right words to say so that he doesn’t set the younger off again, “what just happened? I…I was so scared that I’d hurt you when you just started screami—“ Hyunwoo cuts himself off, biting his lip to hold in his own sob and Hoseok realizes for the first time that Hyunwoo is crying too. Hoseok is shaking again, his mind all over the place, his thoughts so scattered that it feels like his head’s about to explode. 

“I,” he starts, taking in a shaky breath before continuing, “I don’t want to have sex.” His stomach is twisting so much he’s slightly nauseous. When he says those words, he’s not just saying them to Hyunwoo. It’s to everyone in his past, anyone in his future, himself. “I can’t...I don’t want to have sex, I don’t, I don’t. No.” The word feels weird on his tongue and he whispers it again. “No.”

Above him, Hyunwoo lets out a weird sound that makes Hoseok look up at him. The older boy is staring down at him with a look of disbelief, of confusion, of anger. Hoseok’s mouth feels so dry, his tongue like sandpaper against the roof of his mouth. Hyunwoo opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again, then closes it.

“Hoseok, of course we don’t have to have sex. I’d never do anything you didn’t want,  _ never _ , but I just...why did you wait so long to tell me to stop? All you ever need to do is say no and I’m done.” Hyunwoo looks stricken like he had physically attacked Hoseok. Hoseok tries to find his words. 

“Saying no has never worked before…” He’s not sure why he chooses these words but the effect is immediate. Hyunwoo crumbles, a sob leaving his lips before he covers his face with both hands, shaking his head like he can’t believe this. He really can’t. 

“Hoseok,” Hyunwoo’s voice is shaky and weak and Hoseok cries a little more, “Hoseok, no is  _ always _ enough. Nobody should have...nobody has the  _ right _ to keep going if you say no.  _ Nobody. _ Nobody should have hurt you like that.” In the back of his mind, Hoseok feels like he knew that but nobody has ever actually told him that before. Nobody had ever told him that it wasn’t his fault. That he did everything he could and that the only person in the wrong was the person who couldn’t take “no” for an answer. Nobody had ever  _ not _ blamed Hoseok. 

His body moves by itself, his arms wrapping around Hyunwoo’s shoulders and his head fitting into the crook of the older’s neck. Hyunwoo wraps his arms around Hoseok’s waist and holds him tightly. They sit like that for a long time, just holding each other, both crying until all the tears have run out. Hyunwoo breaks the silence. 

“I’m not gonna ask you what happened. You can tell me if you want to, whenever you’re ready but I won’t force it out of you. I just want you to know that I...I will never take advantage of you. I will never hurt you and if I do something wrong, all you have to do is say no and that’s that. No matter what we’re doing, you say no, and we stop. Sex doesn’t matter to me, I won’t die if we don’t have sex and I’d rather die than pressure you into something like that.” Hoseok doesn’t know what else can be said so he just leans up and kisses Hyunwoo. The kiss is like the first they had ever shared but with so much more emotion. It left them both breathless. 

They spent the rest of the night like that, wrapped in each other’s arms, sharing kisses and talking. Hoseok didn’t explain his past—he wasn’t ready for that yet, didn’t know when he would be—and, true to his word, Hyunwoo didn’t force it out of him. They both knew that they would have to have another serious talk about this after they were less emotional but for now, they just worried about that moment. 

When they fall asleep, Hoseok dreams of Hyunwoo but, this time, they lie together in bed, naked under the sheets, cuddling. They smile at each other. 

Hoseok sleeps through the night.


End file.
